I pull to the side of the road and wait. It takes a long time before he gets out. The officer walks up in dark, no nonsense shades. He's young and cute and might have been more attractive...except for the fact that his hand is resting on the butt of his gun. Umm...ok. I never would've thought a woman in a Volkswagen Jetta could look so threatening.
He gets to my window and flashes me a nice smile. He pauses to look me over and as he does so, I spot a wedding ring.
He asks me if I know why he stopped me and I feigned ignorance. He explains that he stopped me for speeding and gives me a spiel about his concern for traffic safety. Twice during his traffic safety message he says that he "usually avoids giving pretty women tickets." I play along (hey, if you've got it, flaunt it) in the hopes that I can avoid my second speeding ticket in 6 months.
He leans onto my windowsill and my nose is immediately assaulted by the smell of too much cologne. I wonder if that's what he was putting on before he got out of his car. Even with the glasses on, I can tell he's looking down my shirt as he continues to lean on my car.
He engages in small talk about everything from what I do for a living, to whether I have a boyfriend, to what I like to do for fun. He tells me that he and his wife are separated (yeah...I haven't heard that one before...) and that we should go out sometime. As he's talking, he leans further into my car and I swear he would've kissed me if I hadn't pulled back.
My response to his advance completely changes the tone of the encounter. In an instant, he goes from 'cool-but-creepy cop' to 'Nazi soldier at a checkpoint asking me for my papers'.
He goes back to his car and I wait for my insurance rates to go up. He returns with a ticket, which I grudgingly sign, and after he snatches his pen back like a spoiled little boy, he gets back in his car and squeals his tires as he speeds off.
When I got home and I stewed for awhile before a strange thought occured to me. I grabbed the ticket to confirm it: the name on the ticket was wrong! Everything else he wrote on the ticket was correct but for some reason he listed my name as something totally different. I don't know if he was distracted from being turned down or if he's just a screw up or what.
I checked with one of my lawyer friends and he believes I'll be able to get the ticket thrown out in court. He says that even though the other info is right, legally speaking, I didn't get a ticket. Someone else got the ticket!
I've tried all sorts of things to get out of tickets in the past, with varying results. Obviously, the best way to get out of a ticket is to hope he messes up the paperwork. However, if you aren't as fortunate to get an error in your favor like this (I didn't on my last ticket), here's some other advice.
How to get out of a ticket*
1. Plead ignorance about the infraction: Things tend to go a lot more smoothly if you give the officer a chance to make a soapbox speech. "What do you mean I'm not allowed to drive on the median!? I used my turn signal!"
2. Flirt shamelessly: An officer at ease, is an officer at ease with his ticket book. Dignity is priceless -- speeding fines definitely have a price.
3. Show a lot of skin: This gives the officer the idea that you're just a helpless exotic dancer trying to escape the harsh realities of city living and that maybe he'll be the one to whisk you away to a new life in the suburbs.
4. Cry: Waterworks will disarm a cop better than the best criminal. If he gives you a ticket anyway, pour tears onto it until the ink becomes illegible.
5. Go bitch mode (results may vary) - At a high volume and while pointing at his chest, tell him you didn't do anything wrong. Accuse him of being racist or sexist. Inform him that you pay his salary. Say anything to get him thinking that having you sign a ticket is more trouble than it's worth. Keep in mind that if this plan backfires, things will get worse than they were. He'll come back with a stack of tickets and he'll cite you for everything under the sun and you may find yourself with a ticket for driving while wearing a housecoat (wtf?).
6. If all else fails - Pretend to go into labor (not recommended unless you're actually pregnant). I have a friend who used to drive around with a pillow under her shirt in case she got pulled over. One day she got pulled over and she told the cop she was trying to get to the hospital. He called for an ambulance and she ended up having to explain why her baby looked like it was fathered by Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
*Offer void if you're a guy or the cop is a heterosexual woman
